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Choosing a wedding party may or may not be easy for some.  For me, I had a little  trouble in balancing my past friends through the years, and my current friends, so I opted for all current relationships and mostly local (you know, so they can feel obligated to be nudged into craft slavery).  After being through the bridesmaid drill before, here are some things I tried to take into consideration:

 

1. Is this person helpful?  Are they going to chip in on helping each other with showers or helping me with things if something comes up?
2. Are they reliable?  Will they be on time for pictures and other things that they agree to (it never hurts to bend the truth by about 30 mins to ensure this), are they heavy procrastinators, etc.?
3. Is this person financially able to purchase a dress (if applicable) and travel to the wedding if needed, or will it be a burden for them?
4. Drama queen?  Does this person seem to over-complicate things, cause problems with others, compulsively complain about everything, or make mountains out of mole hills?  Think of the stress ALREADY involved with the wedding planning– You need a support system and help, not an extra stress factor added into the mix.

 

Some may disagree, but I think it IS okay to politely decline being asked to be part of a wedding party if you think it’s something that you’re uncomfortable with.  On that same note, if some things aren’t working out with one of the members in your wedding party, I think it’s okay to give them an easy out if you can find someone to take their place.  One of my good friends had a bridesmaid that lied about having ordered her dress  on time & the bridal shop called the bride, the girl said she was on her way to the shower & bachelorette party and then didn’t show up to either one, and several other things factored in as well.  After some soul-searching, the Bride ended up feeling forced to ask the bridesmaid to just attend the wedding as a guest and not worry about everything else.  I’ve had other Brides tell me that they only wished they would have done the same with someone in their wedding party.  One lost a good friendship over wedding issues, and another told me she barely talked to the problematic bridesmaid anymore after the wedding.  Unfortunately, we ended up doing this with a groomsmen in order to simplify several things as well.  It wasn’t easy, but I think everyone is better off in the long run.

 

Here’s an interesting article that I read in the Huffington Post about choosing to nix bridesmaids altogether.  It makes me that much more appreciate of such great, easy-going & helpful bridesmaids of my own that are adding to my day instead of taking away from it!

Bridesmaids: The Frienemies You Might Want to Avoid

Have you had any drama in your wedding party? If so, how’d you handle it?

 

 

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In the world of weddings, the whole “biggest day of your life” thing is appallingly overdone. As in, “this cake represents your first meal as husband and wife, so it has to be perfect!” or “this is the most sentimental and significant dress you will ever wear!” or “everything is going to be perfect on your wedding day!” In modern wedding culture, this “most important” idea gets expanded and exploited by vendors in the interest of dollar signs. Don’t believe me? Visit any bridal show to see this in practice.

This isn’t to say that I hate bridal shows or that you shouldn’t attend them. Shows are a great way to gather ideas and potentially book multiple vendors in the same place. They’re a gathering place for a community of brides, which–in a process that can be overwhelming and isolating–is worth something in itself. Shows are also fun places to partake in plenty of free stuff: free food, photobooth photo strips, mini-makeovers, and more. If you’re especially lucky, shows can also be an opportunity to receive discount coupons or win free services.

Bridal shows have their place.

However, as a bridal show attendee, you have to keep everything in perspective and remember that every vendor–regardless of how competent, helpful, or talented they may be–is there to make money. (Side note: therefore, it is bogus that anyone ever pays to attend a bridal show).

Yes, bridal shows can be a great place to see many different vendors in one place, but they can also be completely overwhelming for recently engaged brides-to-be. Your mental dialogue can easily end up sounding something like this:

{On first entering} Wow. Look at how much stuff is here! This is gorgeous! Everything looks so nice!

Then your reactions may mirror those of a small puppy:
Wow! Look at those amazing invitations!
Oooh! Peonies! I LOVE PEONIES!
Oh, hey! Free cupcakes!
Wait. What time is it? I better hurry over to the stage; it’s almost time for the fashion show!
Eeeww, that dress is ugly.
Oh, I love that one!
Wait. Reception dress? What’s a reception dress? I thought I was supposed to buy one dress for your wedding. And I can’t even afford THAT ONE!

And right about then is where it starts going downhill.

Wow. Two dresses, you think. Well, maybe that would be fun. Hey, that one’s nice. I wonder how much… holy crap! $4,000?! Are you kidding me?
And what about shoes? I better think about shoes. I can’t buy this nice dress and not have new shoes to go with it.
The black on the dresses is kinda neat. But also kind of weird. I mean, what if it clashes with my flowers?
Oh, crap. Flowers. I probably have to figure out what flowers I’ll need. I don’t know anything about flowers. Roses are pretty…
Right.
Pretty.
Pretty expensive, that is. And they die pretty easy too. Ok, maybe I’ll just talk to this florist… {talks to florist} $100 a bouquet? Seriously? And you require a $2,000 minimum order?

And on it goes. A similar phenomenon also happens when you realize just how many businesses there are at a bridal show, all of whom will insist that you NEED their services in order to run a wedding. DJs, florists, bakeries, personalized lighting companies, balloon arch specialists, photobooth companies, caterers, photographers, makeup services, brooch bouquet and fascinator Etsy shops, jewelry design companies, and much more.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Your wedding will not suck because you are missing one or–heck, I’ll say it–ALL of these things.

Take a moment with that, and repeat it like a mantra as many times as you need to.

Go on.

I’ll wait.

Your wedding will not suck because you have the wrong flowers. Or an inexpensive dress. Or a 13″x9″ Funfetti cake your mom made.

It will not suck if you skip all of these things entirely and opt for wearing jeans and getting married in your living room.

Think back to the happiest moment in your life, whatever that was. I’m going to guess it wasn’t the happiest moment because it was one in which you spent a lot of money. I’ll bet it wasn’t the best because you looked fabulous (even if you did). I bet it wasn’t even the best because the dessert was delicious and plentiful.

No, the best moment of your life probably had something to do with the people who surrounded you. Family? Friends? Loved ones?

Am I right? Eh? Ehhhhhh?

I thought so.

And exactly the same thing will be true on your wedding day. You will be marrying your best friend, surrounded by the people you love (who also love you).

Plus there will be the added bonus of you looking fabulous, natch.

Everything else is, as they say, is icing on the cake.

 

While many people who know me may describe me as “laid back,” throughout this planning process I’ve realized that they couldn’t be more wrong.  In some areas I think I’ve maintained a light and reasonable grasp on things, but private freak-outs, anxiety, and momentary stupidity have unfortunately become the norm.

 

After being prescribed adrenal pills because my mental stress is using up all of my adrenaline (not leaving enough for my physical needs), I had to figure out some ways to chill the #!@% out.  I found a great article online (that I’m kicking myself for not saving to share), which led me take some time to really analyze what’s working for me and what isn’t.  Although I might not FEEL normal right now, after talking about it with others, sadly this isn’t totally abnormal.  The doctor in fact said that they oftentimes call the adrenal issue “Wedding or Vacation Syndrome,” after he jokingly asked me “You’re not planning a wedding or something, are you?” and was answered with a blank stare.

 

Below are some adjustments that I’m really working on:

 

Time Management—It seems easy to find yourself completely consumed with everything wedding-oriented.  I’m finding it much more healthy to designate days of the week where I will focus on bearing down on wedding details/plans, and then afterwards go a day or two where I try to not even DISCUSS the wedding, let alone plan or research (which can be a challenge).  I don’t typically stray at work anymore, unless it’s during my lunch hour.

 

Chillax on the Lists—I’m a list-maker.  In college I would make a daily “to do” list, sometimes even factoring in times, which I realize is strange.  I feel like I have a better hold on things if I have a list.  While they’re very necessary for me to function, I’ve had to kick back.  I have one large “master list” for wedding things, but I don’t look at it daily—once a week is it , and I cross off whatever I’ve accomplished!  If I need smaller sub-lists (which I do), I really try to not obsess over them (doing so makes me feel overwhelmed).

 

Keeping Time in Perspective– I have deleted myself from those notices from TheKnot.com saying that you have ____ days until your wedding.  When a new month rolls over, I tend to also feel more rushed.  I know May is coming up, I’m more ahead of my planning than I feel like I am, and too many reminders of this variety make me break out in hot flashes.  They’re done.

 

Take It a Little At a Time—Dave Ramsey’s debt philosophies say, “Pay off the smallest debt first to create the greatest momentum in your debt snowball.”  I’m applying that to tasks AND budget.  Taking care of some smaller tasks throughout the week instead of just focusing on the huge ones is helping me to feel like I have more accomplished, and less to worry about at the last minute.  To take the Gospel of Dave Ramsey that much further, I’m also using his envelope system.  I’m marking envelopes for the photographer, flowers, decorations, favors, hair/makeup, etc., and putting the appropriate amount of cash in each.  I’m a visual person, and this is giving me assurance that I’ve got what I need, and it’s ready when I need it. Just like with the “debt snowball,” I’m starting off with the lesser amounts.

 

Live Your Everyday Life—I don’t want to look back after all of this and feel like the last 8 months of my life have been dedicated to JUST to the wedding.  Eric & I have been trying to do more non-wedding things, like having people over for the Super Bowl, to dinner, outside functions, etc..  It gives me something else to focus on during my “down time” from the wedding madness.

 

Unwind—Some people may find exercise, meditation, talking about it with someone who understands, writing, and tons of other things as good ways to unwind.  Figure out what relaxes/calms you, and really try to dedicate some time to it.

 

Accept That Nothing is Perfect– Including your wedding!  And no, figuring out WHAT will go wrong doesn’t necessarily need to become the pinnacle of your life.

 

I’ve found another helpful article that I’d suggest anyone reading who is going through some similar issues.  It more analyzes some typical wedding stressors, and some solutions to think through:

“Rise Above Wedding Planning Stress…The Antidote to the Bridal Blues”

 

 

It seems like as soon as you announce an engagement, you’re instantly flooded with questions and unsolicited advise, as well as opnions that you may or may not want.  I thought it would be a fun project to reach out to family and friends for thoughts on things that they would have done differently with their own weddings.  I’ve gotten some good food for thought.  I ended up getting several responses and wanted to share them with the BSB World!

 

I’m happy Nick and I opted to do things our own way and not to feel obligated to do things the ‘traditional’ way. Instead of a DJ and the dance, we had a charter bus and went to a bar and then picked up the tab. We had visited the bar prior and agreed w/ the bar to flag us when the tab got to a certain amount so we would be surprised We also didn’t have a wedding cake because we both hate cake. But, we did have a dessert bar and then our own personal cheese cake.  We got a lot of flack before the wedding because of some of the things we cut out but afterwards received so many compliments on how nice it was because it was obvious it was about us and what was important to us. We also got the idea from ‘Friends’ to have our friend, Peter, get ordained to marry us. I think more people do this now,but 7 years ago it was a bit usual.  Oh, and I had Taylor (my daughter) AND my dad give me away. With so many second marriages or children born first, it was something nice and I know she remember is vividly even though she was 5.

-Jessica, Iowa

 

 

I definitely have one thing that has bothered me ever since my wedding almost five years ago that I wish I could go back and do over. We decided to skip the receiving line after the ceremony (for the sake of taking pictures/saving time), and greet the guests at our reception instead. However, our wedding was in our local town, and the reception was about 20 minutes away, downtown. Some of our older relatives decided not to make the drive on the interstate downtown, so we missed even being about to thank them for coming. I really regret that.

-Lindsay, Indiana

 

We didn’t have a helpful wedding party. My wedding party was more concerned about themselves than helping me – so be careful who you pick!

– Janet, Ohio

 

 

I would have NEVER have picked the colors I ended up with – it was a bad compromise & a long story but I hated them (sage & butter).  Something I DID do that was super cheap & effective was look at dresses in stores, write down the designers & styles and then ordered mine online (so naughty!).

-Jennifer, Missouri

 

 

I would have had a larger wedding.  We were given a generous budget by my parents, and chose to use part on a smaller wedding, and the other part to buy a new car.  I don’t remember a thing about the car now, but wish we would have had a larger wedding.

    -My Mother, Iowa

 

I would not have had my sister-in-law stand up with me.  She was a pain, hated the yellow dress, and complained the whole day. 

-”Don’t put my name on this”, Illinois

 

 

I wish I would have taken more time making some decisions. We got engaged on April 17th and got married on August 15th, so that literally left me with 4 months to plan a wedding!  A short engagement is definitely do-able but I wish I would have thought a little more about what I wanted certain things to look like. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with the way everything turned out, but if I would have had a little more time I would have probably chosen a few different things: I would have discussed (in details) with the florist what my bouquet was going to look like.  I would have gone over the final look of the cake before the wedding. It had too much ribbon and stuff on it, I would have liked it a little more simple (but it was delicious!) I would have liked more pictures done outside too.

    -Stefanie, Tennessee

 

 

 

If getting married in a facility where you have to use their food and beverage (unless you are tied to a sit-down meal), offering buffet style heavy hor’devours or food stations in a reception style, can many times be more economical than a plated meal.  If your reception time is “between meal times” –plan on approx. 4-6 pieces of food per person.  And…if you are tied to a plated meal….negotiate serving a lunch portion rather than dinner.  For hotels, the per person cost can be as much as half the cost for a lunch portion meal.

-Jill, Tennessee (also works in event planning)

 

No moonshine!

-Lisa, West Virginia

 

Things I wish I had done differently are researching/asking around more about my photographer and caterer. Wish I would have gotten a bigger venue. Wish I would’ve waited a couple more months to get married to we could have a little bit nicer wedding. Things I’m glad I did are starting and maintaining a binder with pictures of things I liked and ideas I got about decor, etc. Glad I stuck with the vision I had for the actual ceremony even though some people seemed to think it wouldn’t work. (It did work!) Wedding was January 2006.

          -Lauren, Kentucky

 

 

I would have never had an open bar.  The cost ended up being a LOT more than we had anticipated because we paid on a per-drink basis.  I felt like we were secretly looking around to see who was drinking a $15 glass of champagne.  We also had a few people “overindulge” and cause drama, which may have been avoided.

    -Nicole, Tennessee

 

 

Keep things about the two of you– My wedding was more my Mother’s than mine.

-Annonymous, Ohio

 

 

I would have asked my bridesmaids in a more creative way.  I would also recommend a venue that does not make you cater from them alone, but allows outside catering.  They get you with that!

-Lindsey, Tennessee

 

 

 

 

 

No one ever told me what a pain in the you-know-what RSVPs would be. When it came time to put together invitations, I thought there were only two options for RSVPs. Either you required them, or you didn’t, and if you required them then you sent a card and people were supposed to return that card to you by a certain date. For me, I knew I wanted to assign tables, so I knew I needed RSVPs (not to mention needing to know how much food to provide).

When my cousin sent out her wedding invitations, she did not put her own postage on the RSVP cards (even though she paid extra postage for square invitations). I thought that was tacky and thoughtless, and I thought putting stamps on the RSVP envelopes would mean everyone would send them back easily.

I was so, so wrong. We sent out about 125 invitations. By the week before our RSVPs were due, we had received 50. I went into panic mode, and no amount of attempted soothing from Dave was going to calm me down. We both knew that there was no way we would receive 50, let alone 75, RSVP cards in that last week. It was Thanksgiving, so I encouraged Dave to spread the word with his family when he went home, and I told him I was going to start calling people after our deadline of Dec. 2. By the time that deadline rolled around, we were still probably 60 RSVPs short, although that included some wedding party members and a few others we knew would attend. We still had a pretty lengthy list of people to track down.

A week into tracking down coworkers, family members and old college friends, I really wish I had those hours of my life back. The phone calls and online messages are just awkward and time consuming. We still haven’t gotten definite answers from everybody, including one who has a tentative role in the wedding, and I really just want to be able to finalize my seating chart and cross it off my to-do list.

If I had only seen this photo about three months earlier, I never would have suffered through this:

What a ridiculously simple thought. Ladies, let me tell you, those little RSVP cards are not exciting to scrapbook. They don’t add any fun to your corner of wedding supplies. And after the first week, going to the mailbox to look for them is a major source of stress, not a thrill.

Don’t require your guests to send in RSVP cards. You will end up resenting your friends and family for their role in wasting your time and money, because they ignored the card you took the time to type, and they threw away the 44 cents you placed on that envelope.

In this tech-savvy, overly-busy, forgetful world, people don’t want to be bothered with filling out a card and remembering to put it in the mail. If you need a definite headcount (and most of us do), then I highly, highly, highly recommend what this smart couple did, and just give your guests a deadline to let you know if they will be there or not. Make sure you give them that deadline, but allow them to give you their notice in whatever way is easiest for them. It will save you money on postage and some major headaches. And I would imagine it will save you a lot of time—there will of course always be people that can’t make up their mind, or manage not to talk to you for six months, but you will have a lot fewer people on your to-call list if you let your friend Sally text you that she’s coming, and have Uncle Don mention over Thanksgiving dinner that he will not be able to make it.